The TRUE Origin of the Earth

A lot of people often wonder where we come from.  People bicker, fight, kill, discriminate, and spend obscene amounts of money on answering our natural curiosity of where we- and all that we see- came from.  After much soul-searching and research, I've found the true origin of all that we see.

A long time ago, before time immemorial, there lived a man.  This man's name was Chuck Norris.  One day, he and his roommate, the terminator, received a letter from the Planet Express company asking that they remove a large chunk of dense matter that blocked traffic in space that was supposed to go to all of the planets.  The terminator was skeptical, but Chuck Norris managed to convince the cyborg that he could terminate the thing himself, thus prompting him to accept.  Chuck Norris realized that this was a large job, so he told the terminator to go into space where he'd meet with him later.  Chuck Norris went through the nether portal into Minecraftia where he was able to buy TNT for several gold ingots.  Armed with a single block of TNT, he returned through the portal and met with the terminator near Saturn.

"There is a high probability that the matter which we seek is 49.72 degrees east of our current location, approximately one hour away," the terminator calculated out loud.  Grabbing the terminator by the arm, Chuck Norris sped through the dark recesses of outer space, batting away random bits of space dust and dodging the larger astroids which seemed to pass them by in a blink of an eye.

He knew he had arrived at his target when he found himself face to face with a large, black, flat rock.  It was so large that Chuck Norris didn't realize that he was looking at what was supposed to be round; it appeared flat, like a wall.  Placing the TNT in the astroid, he gave the terminator a gun, which he didn't hesitate in emptying its clip into the TNT.  

Because it was Chuck Norris who placed the TNT, it was able to blast the matter apart with such force that planets and stars were created as far as the eye could see.  Planet Express was able to drive through in their ships, each driver tipping their hats at the terminator and Chuck Norris.  

One day, a delivery was scheduled to be taken to a special blue planet.  In this particular ship were beings with two arms, two legs, and a head.  There were two kinds, male and female.  Humans were manufactured in honor of Chuck Norris and the terminator- who bore strange resemblance to these new beings- for they saved the company.  The end.


There was a reason for the story.  We spend millions, if not billions of dollars, on trying to find our origins.  In the end, is it really going to matter?  Who will have a longer lifespan knowing that we came from monkeys or aliens or Chuck Norris?  What will it achieve?  What does it achieve to know that some massive explosion occurring in space created the planets and stars?  All it achieves is more money being sucked down the toilet that could go towards starving children or fixing our economy.  What does it achieve for the individual to argue and fight with others just because they think differently?  What does it matter?  It's as silly as this story which I've told, and truthfully, nobody out there knows for sure.  Atheists can tout around evolution and the big bang, but there's no real proof; it's as legitimate of a guess as Chuck Norris and the terminator.  As a devout Christian, I'm confident that we came from God, but I also know that knowing from where we came isn't nearly as important as preparing for where we are going to go.